Learning amidst stress: Losing a loved one

When a student has lost a loved one, they will be dealing with it by taking a significant amount of time thinking, talking, writing, or taking action to honor that person.  As leaders we must recognize when a person is processing a loss and adjust our approach to support that student appropriately. A prerequisite step in leading a student who has suffered a loss is to build a trusting relationship. When a student shares their thoughts about the loss, we may discuss ways to deal with it in healthy ways.  During these conversations, we can help students plan to take action and reflect on how what they do helps to rebuild self-esteem and productivity.

Here are some topics to consider:

1. It will take more time to learn new things and complete homework. This may seem obvious, but the challenge for us is to recognize that students will need extra time to learn and complete their work, because much of their attention will (and SHOULD be) on processing their loss. Students will struggle as they find ways to make meaning from the loss while they continue to carry out some of their routines and responsibilities.
2. Performance on difficult tasks may suffer.  Complex tasks require students to pay attention to details and to draw from knowledge across a broad range of knowledge and skills.  As they conduct research and explore connections from their experience and background knowledge, they are likely to find information that reminds them of their lost loved one, which interrupts a work task at hand. Switching contexts between projects and processing a loss makes it difficult to integrate information across multiple sources and to produce an artifact that demonstrates deep understanding and sophisticated learning. How long will this condition last? It depends on the person, the significance of the loss, and how much time they are allowed, or allow themselves, to deal with it.  Visible signs of suffering may last only a few days or weeks, but performance and behavior is affected by a loss for years.

So what can we do or suggest with our students, if they are seeking guidance?

1. Listen. Be kind, compassionate, and warm so students can process their thoughts if they choose to share them with you.
2. Adjust expectations.  Help the student understand that dealing with a loss requires time, and this means they will need to set different personal goals and expectations for themselves for work, school, and recreation activities.  Making a realistic change is ok, and is a premise for setting goals so they are achievable.  Reinforce the idea to set small, daily goals and accomplish tasks by breaking them into simple sub-tasks.  We must continue to foster their love of learning, and building a plan to meet goals for bouncing back from a loss while also achieving in other areas that will still be important is good for maintaining and rebuilding self-esteem and self-efficacy. 
3. Be a well of encouragement.  A devastating loss will deplete a student’s emotional stamina and make them more susceptible to giving up or adopting a predominately negative outlook in the face of difficulty.  Students will need to be encouraged throughout the process of planning to recover as outlined above, and when a plan or action doesn’t work out as well as hoped for, they will need reassurance that they can always try something different.  When brainstorming for new approaches, discuss healthy activities such as committing to regular exercise and physical activity, eating regularly healthy meals, getting rest, and looking for ways to use their natural strengths and interests to complete their work.

This is a broad suggestion for helping students deal with loss in an academic setting.  We should all work to help students in our one-on-one settings, encourage them to seek mentor-ship from their favorite trusted adults, and guide them to professional resources at our disposal in school administrative staff and in our community. 

Remain solicitous to demonstrate that you care, and follow through on any help you offer with your students. Every person has a story of stress and concern, and establishing a trusting relationship will help us to uncover problems our students are dealing with so we can support and lead them back to a productive learning path.